If you’re a student at Oxford, you’ll be familiar with a slew of plant-based food days. Vegan Thursdays, Meatless Mondays and the rest, Oxford Colleges now seem to be concerning themselves with what I would consider the ‘Righteous fight’. With at least one day of respite from serving meat products, the ever-so traditionalist college hall systems seem to be increasingly more accommodating of the plant-based lifestyle. And, while I don’t expect the average old Oxford Don to be sporting his Morrissey T-shirt and raiding battery farms with the A.L.F anytime soon, it’s a step in the right direction. However, one problem persists: the quality of the food is passable, at best.
It’s not like Oxford colleges are intentionally trying to poison us with their dreaded meat free alternatives, right? Most people on the street agree, when colleges manage to concoct a plant based meal without meat substitutes, it’s usually a lot better. Let’s face it, a hearty lentil tagine trumps a slab of beyond-whatever. Alas, it seems that college catering teams would prefer to serve us rubbery frisbees of nothing than get creative with their veggie foods. Considering the general state of hall cuisine, it’s clear we’re stuck with chewy tofu and soggy seitan for the time being. The message I’m receiving is that ‘chew-tang clan’ are something to fuck with, so make sure you’ve got a dentist at hand.
I can recall sitting outside of a ChristChurch formal, talking to an alumna about the turgid seitan slab I’d received in place of a steak during the proceedings of the night’s black tie meal. Gristly, tasteless and grey, it seemed apparent that plant-based meals in Oxford haven’t progressed much since the 90s. College Chefs seem to take a brutalist stance on plant-based cooking, with meat-free alternatives being utilitarian, colourless and, for some reason, always assuming a cuboid form (much like the Soviet blocks of the day).
Further experience on my home turf, Keble, solidified my suspicions. Throughout my time working the telethon, I became subject to many exercises in plant-based mediocrity; Greasy breaded bean burgers, served with a sliver of vegan cheese and something which, in fitting keble fashion, could only be described as a brick of fried tofu. These culinary crimes, doused in enough grease to send Jamie Oliver into his grave and then make him turn in it, became the baseline for my experience as a plant-based diner in my hall. Multiple of these moments had me stumped, asking in true Seinfeldian fashion, ‘What’s the deal with the Plant-Based food in College Hall?’.
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